I never really understood the purpose of trees. Who needs them? They are weeds: infectious, annoying, and useless. Every beautiful view and every useful piece of land we could build upon has been ruined by the existence of trees. I would have gone insane if it weren’t for the new progress in Brazil. Finally, people have got some sense knocked into them. Last summer, the authorities of Brazil realized how beneficial it would be to the environment and the wildlife of South America if we burn down the Amazon forest. One by one, every tree and bush crumbles to ash. All that remains is beautifully charred, uninhabitable soil that will obviously serve to benefit the villages and wildlife of the Amazon. 

This is the start of something great, I tell you. There has even been growing support in Australia and more recently in our own country.  From California to Washington, the coastal forests are finally moving toward our end goal: extinction. Because of this incredible cleanse, the atmosphere has never been so stable, and the air quality has never been healthier, especially in areas near the fires like San Francisco. 

If you really don’t believe me, think about this. On a scorching hot summer day, the last thing you probably want is the forgiving shade of an oak tree against the blistering sun. Or during a light autumn breeze, I am guessing the one thing you can’t stand is that dreadful sound of the whispering leaves coming through your window and carrying you off into slumber. And when you take a deep breath of fresh air after an endless day of work, I am positive that you nearly barf at the sight of a tree soaking up the sun and spitting out its ridiculous gaseous byproduct of the most overhyped, pointless chemical reaction ever to have occurred in the existence of life on our planet. 

I mean, c’mon. We can all agree living on a treeless planet is a life worth living. Let’s do it for the future of our planet and the future of our children. Let’s make sure that future generations around the world grow up climbing stumps instead of trees. 

I don’t even want the word tree in the dictionary. 

Nor leaves, nor wood, nor forest. 

Nor sunshine, nor oxygen, nor life.

Nor home, nor hope, nor future.