Beware, angry birds

Greer Jacobs, Editor in Chief

Every day another LBHS student falls. The bullets pierce them or hit their bags or nail their clothes or land just inches in front of their feet. Every day another LBHS student falls victim to the terrorism of The Birds.
As majestically haired presidential candidate Donald Trump once said, “it’s time to build a [sky] wall” to keep out a deadly force in our Laguna society. What’s more, we should take the fight straight to The Birds themselves; the time has come for us to launch our bombs at The Birds.
We the students call the administration to action: ARM US! Let us fight these horrendous acts of terrorism. Give each student a sling shot and let us light up the sky. Plot twist: Birds shall be pummelled by human feces.
Daily, students are forced to cover their heads with notebooks, hide in bathrooms and leave friends behind as they attempt to avoid an especially aggressive Bird attack. But no one can avoid them for long. Sooner or later, The Birds will hit you, and you will fall. Therefore, we must attack now.
With a sky wall built for our protection and all students armed with slingshots and feces, we shall win this battle. Utopian societies such as CDM live in peace and prosperity with much smaller problems, such as students cheating on the ACT, while we face daily terrorism. Unite and we can achieve such peace; unite and the birds will fall!
The real threat of The Birds is the deadly nature of their biological warfare. Their bombs fall in the quad among the student population then fester and spread diseases through the air, such as Ebola, the Bubonic Plague and Ecoli 0157.
No one is safe. The Birds want to destroy the whole world. They start with us—we spread the diseases—and soon, no one in the world lives.
So, we must act now. If we take out the birds today, we save the world today as well. Shoot The Birds with your feces, and you will become a hero.