Black Friday

Emily Addis, News Editor

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For 24 hours on November 25, all crime is legal and all government services will be unavailable.  You can hide in your home, but if you dare step outside, approach cautiously. Avoid Walmart at all costs. Since 2006, the American Purge has resulted in 7 deaths and 98 reported injuries. The crazed predator will fight to the death for his prey. Pepper spray is the weapon of choice for most. Winners will leave with their hands full; losers will leave empty-handed.  

This chaos-filled day is Black Friday. The sane will skip Black Friday, saving their wallet for the less barbarous Cyber Monday. The insane will leave their home directly after Thanksgiving dinner, pie in mouth and camping gear in hand. Believe it or not, some will completely miss Thanksgiving. They will stalk their prey with an incredible sense of resilience and patience as they camp outside of a mall or store for hours.

For most, Black Friday ruins Thanksgiving. Workers are forced to come in early, often leaving their families to deal with snarky customers. Customers act particularly rude to workers this night after waiting in lines for hours, fighting over parking spaces and battling with their desperate need for sleep. These sleep-deprived zombies are ruthless, with little regard for the workers’—or anyone’s—wellbeing.  In 2008, a worker even died after being trampled at a Wal-Mart in New York. Black Friday is a day meant for the evil and for the crazed.  

Greed courses through the veins of each and every shopper hunting on this night. Don’t be fooled by the sweet old lady’s face; she will snatch the parking spot that you have been waiting 20 minutes for. She won’t stop there. Later, she will run over your foot with her shopping cart just to get the X-box she is looking for. Everyone is out for blood.  

If you are planning on leaving your home on Black Friday, remember these helpful tips: Drive safely as to not become road-kill, do not make eye contact with anyone and come prepared with defense methods. But if I were you, I would not dare step out of the comfort of your home. After Thanksgiving dinner, close the curtains and lock the doors because chaos will be upon us.

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